In honor of today's Full Blue Moon Lunar Eclipse in Leo (literally ALL the things) I wanted to share a poem with you.
But first I want to be really honest: I've had a rough start to this year. I have struggled with seasonal depression for years, and this year more than any in resent memory I lived and breathed in the trenches of that internal war.
Depression is an intricately complex demon. As someone who asks questions and thirsts for understanding, it is a particularly frustrating beast to dissect. Sometimes I can feel it gathering like a receding ocean tide; pulling itself into a force of nature. At first the gathering seems slow and too gentle to pose a real threat, and then just I think I am ready for the gentle spray of it, I am engulfed in a suffocating wave, salt penetrating my nose and eyes until it feels as much a part of me as the blood in my veins.
I am pulled into a rip tide and then immersed in inaction.
In order to understand the effects of depression on my heart and psyche I must first explain my specific brand of "normal." I am incapable of monotonous work, perpetually drawn to the thrilling edge of discomfort and innovation. I have an incredibly high threshold for passion generally speaking. I have trouble drinking alcohol because the pervasive ennui of a hangover feels like a weighted blanket I'll never escape. I loath days spent doing nothing. Inactivity gives me anxiety and has even lead to self loathing. With creativity as the driving force in my life, I rarely endeavor anything that doesn't excite me and push my into uncomfortable spaces. I am full of fire and energy, eternally searching, learning and playing.
When I experience depression, on the other hand, I feel suspended in a cloud of nothingness.
No energy. No passion. No pull. No fire.
Experience tells me it will come to an end. I can even appreciate moments of introspection in the thick of this haze, wherein I accurately asses what is happening: I KNOW this space. I've been here before, I've fought through. I've always won.
Yet, even as I articulate this in my mind, there remains a lingering voice of fear... what if I can't do it this time? What if this is the wave that swallows me whole? What if I can't find my way back into the fire that feeds my soul and ignites my imagination?
Times like these require faith. An unwavering belief in something I cannot see, touch, or taste. An unquantifiable knowing that life will go on and things will get better. I don't prescribe to any specific religion, but I will admit to a certain spiritual connection and evolving belief in something outside of myself. Being that this power or presence is without name, it can sometimes be difficult to access. I have been forced to create my own language to bring me back to this faith. I suppose these icons are most accurately described as spiritual keystones, intended to call me back to an inner wisdom that transcends depression; that connects me to the vibrancy of this world and sews me back into the fabric of life.
As I age into myself, I have come to know THE MOON as a prominent icon of self reflection. A powerful path back into myself. An actual calendar by which to track my progress and the path forward.
Today's energetic culmination of lunar forces and cosmic coincidence feels like the perfect portal out of this chapter and into the next.
Wherever you are on this journey of arrivals and departures, please know you are not alone. Our Moon is perpetually present, pulling at our bodies of water, urging us into our truest self. Thank you for joining me on this tempestuous pilgrimage.